What do you call a guy who sets off on a 3,600-mile road trip in the dead of winter to drive the Rocky Mountain chain from Alaska to southern Colorado? Bear in mind that this is the same guy who goes kayaking with his Australian shepherd - in the ocean.

Crazy doesn't quite sum it up, because there was a fair amount of planning up front. Adventurous is probably closer to the mark, because these are the undertakings that lead to stories - for your buddies and for your future grandchildren. "That's nothing. I once drove the Alcan in December with a dog and two cats."

Hey, it's got to be better than sitting in an office attending a budget meeting or deciding annual employee raises. Who's the crazy one now?

Day five: First, the obligatory travelogue info. Most of the drive from Whitehorse to Watson Lake is on hard pack winter road conditions. I drove 45 mile per hour unless my wheels were on pavement. At times I had to drive slower, especially once the sun went down. Still, I made it 265 miles in one day.

One of the high points of the day was driving through Teslin. The word can have different meanings based on the context. It can either mean "serene place" or it can mean "colder than a well digger's ass."¹ Today, Teslin had a double meaning.

It really is a beautiful little town along side a long, slender lake. There's also a bridge across the Nisutli river to the north that looks strangely like the bridge in the movie "The Mothman Prophecies".² Teslin has a large Tlingit population, but most attractions are only open in the warmer months. The Yukon Motel & Restaurant has gas and will let you plug in for the night for a modest fee.

The other high point was stopping at the Swan Haven view area on Marsh Lake south of Whitehorse. It's a bit of a drive off the main highway, but it provides access to the frozen lake and some lovely views of peaks to the south. Its southern exposure is also good to soak up some of the sun's low rays. Since no one else was around, it was easy to pull in to the entrance and then back the trailer onto the dirt road to turn around.

An important note is that Johnson's Crossing has an ad in the Milepost saying it is open year round. When I pulled in to fill up my tank, there were "Closed" signs in the window and a larger sign next to the building that read "Property for sale." The only way to guarantee a place will be open for gas or other services is to call or e-mail ahead. Never pass up an opportunity to top off your tank in the winter!

Besides dipping into northern British Columbia on this stretch of highway, this leg of the trip takes you over the Continental Divide.³ There are many semis on this stretch of road and some of them don't drive very cautiously. One guy passed me on a blind curve while another passed me on the crest of a hill with another truck coming in the opposite direction.⁴ Also keep an eye out for the many wide loads that come barreling down the highway. 

The sky was blue. The mountains were pretty. Blah blah blah blah blah.....

Let's get down to the real purpose of today's article: Canadians.

After several days in the Yukon, you start to notice life from a different perspective. You know the saying, "don't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes." Well, over the last few days I've learned not to judge a Canadian till you've walked 1.6 kilometers⁵ in his European size 53 shoes.

Things in Canada are eerily similar to the United States, but different in subtle ways. For instance, go to a grocery store. Of course, you won't know one if you saw it because they've never heard of words like Safeway or Fred Meyer. Ask someone and they'll point out a store for you.

There are three types of packaged food in Canadian grocery stores:  Unknown products from known brand names.⁶ Unknown products from unknown brand names.⁷ And unknown products.⁸

Whatever you do, don't turn over your packaged product and read the nutrition label. It is written in English and French and this only raises a whole host of additional questions. For instance, on the front side of a bag of Old Dutch Bar-B-Q Potato Chips, "potato chips" translates to "croustilles," but on the nutrition information, the serving size information says that just the word "chips" translates to "croustilles." Does this mean the French don't have a word for potato?⁹

I didn't see anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if the French had a word for every one of the meat, dairy and produce items in the store as well.

Now, if you want to pay for these alleged products, you have to learn how to play with Canadian money. Sometimes you need to use a purple bill and other times its a red bill. I think they have anti-theft device strips on them too. Don't try to figure out denominations, because then people start talking about exchange rates and next thing you know, you're staring at the cashier like a reindeer in headlights. Just open up your wallet and let the cashier take what she needs.¹⁰

Then there are the coins. They have an eleven-sided gold coin that may be called a doubloon. It has a lady wearing a crown on one side¹¹ and a loon on the other side. So maybe it's called "da loon." The dime has a lady who looks like that crown-wearing gal's mom on one side and a schooner on the other. This must be that "boat" Canadians are always talking about.¹²

They also have commemorative quarters in Canada. The one from Alberta has an oil derrick, mountains and cows. That mom lady is on the other side again.¹³  The Quebec commemorative quarter comes in two interlocking pieces that easily separate.¹⁴

Before I forget, the weather radio transmissions around 162 MHz can be picked up in the Whitehorse area. The bad news is that what I picked up on my scanner was only in French.¹⁵ If you wait long enough, Jacques Cousteau will stop flapping his jaws and let someone read the forecast in English.

Did you know that the University of Alaska offers an Associate of Arts degree in Canadian Studies? When you graduate, you can say that you have an "AA in 'eh."

Back on the subject of radio, the last thing most of you will want to do is listen to Canadian radio. A lot of it is like NPR in the Unites States, which I happen to like, but since American's for some reason voted in more Republicans in the last election and we know what they want to do with NPR, I have to assume that this is not the kind of stuff many Americans will want to listen to.

But if you thought that was bad, Canadian talk radio makes American counter-parts look like a bunch of morons.¹⁶ Either everyone in Canada took and, more importantly, passed high school civics or the callers are screened before going on air.¹⁷  Maybe they're so smart because they don't get Fox News up here. These people are up on tariffs¹⁸, prime ministers, conservatives, liberals, Torreys, and the Green Party offers up 300 candidates in elections and their radio ads even make them sound like they make sense.¹⁹ Callers understand the impact of the Kyoto Accords and they know about political strife not only in Iraq, but in several other countries as well.

The Canadian smarts seem to rub off on all who pass through this great land. While at the Swan Haven viewing area at Marsh Lake, I was reading that the swans fly from their winter homes in California and B.C. "many hundreds of kilometres by the time they arrive in Yukon. Some still have many hundreds of kilometres to go." This can mean only one thing: The swans have learned to master the metric systems - something Americans gave up on two metric decades ago.

All I know is that I have now driven almost a thousand miles, or 1,600 kilometres or maybe it's hectares. I don't know. I'll straighten it all out when I cross the border into Montana.

Next stop is Muncho Lake. Good thing because I'm getting hungry. 

Day six
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¹ I met an old guy once in the Rancho De Corrales bar who was in the area drilling several large water wells for the city of Rio Rancho, N.M. "So you're a well digger?" I asked. "Yes," he responded. "Tell me," I said, "how cold IS your ass?"
² Thirty-six dead on the Ohio River. Indrid Cole calling on unplugged phones. Freaky stuff.
³ When you haven't even made it a third of the way by the fifth day of a trip, you need any milestone you can get.
⁴ Let's face it, some of these guys are going to cause an accident some day.
⁵ In French: kilometres.  
⁶ Nestle Aero milk chocolate bar. "big...on bubbles!"
⁷ Hawkins Cheezies, which are an unpalatable version of Cheetos. Between Taiya and I, we couldn't even finish the bag.
⁸ I swear there was a flavor (not brand, but flavor) of cookies next to the ginger snaps and chocolate chips called "Digestive". There was also one called "Family Digestive." This raises several key questions: Does this imply that the other cookies can not be digested, in which case, what happens when you eat them? How do you distinguish between "digestive" and "family digestive?" Are there things that little Johnny will eat (paste, mud, dog hair) that other members of the family might eschew? No one ever warns you, but these are the real challenges of traveling to a foreign land.
⁹ I nominate "Le Spud."
¹⁰ Yes, in Canada all cashiers are female.
¹¹ Miss America? Miss Canada? Who the hell knows? If it's Miss Canada, do they make a new coin each year? Our Miss America only gets, like a $50,000 scholarship and for that she has to sell her soul for a full year at auto shows and mall openings.
¹² Sorry, "aboat".
¹³ Was June Cleaver Canadian, perhaps?
¹⁴ Oh, come on! Quebec separatists? Don't you Americans know anything that goes on above the 48th parallel? Given your stance on global warming, I'd say "no."
¹⁵ Seriously. Parlez vous francais? Seevou play? Marcel Marceau? All I could pick up on was the word "maxeemum," which apparently means "maximum."
¹⁶ Face it, everyone on American talk radio IS a moron. - callers and hosts.
¹⁷ "Thank you for calling CBC1. Can you tell me how many states Canada has?" "Um, 12?" "Sorry, it was a trick question. There are no states in Canada, only provinces and territories. Next caller, please."
¹⁸ Instead of saying "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," a Canadian will say "I'd walk 1.6 kilometers and pay a 38% tariff to offset U.S. tobacco subsidies for a pack of them American smokes, eh."
¹⁹ Nader, maybe you could take a hint from these folks.
 

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