‘Cured’ evangelist may be in relapse
Recently cured evangelist Ted Haggard is feared to be reverting back toward homosexuality after members of his restoration committee, Tommy Barnett and Jack Hayford, recently caught him listening to “Under Pressure” by David Bowie and Queen on his iPod™. When confronted, Haggard claimed that he thought he was listening to Ice-T’s “Ice, Ice Baby.”

“That may be,” Hayford said, “but it doesn’t explain why he was also listening to The Weather Girls' ‘It’s Raining Men.’” 

Colorado to legalize prostitution at casinos
The Colorado Gaming Commission has approved legalized prostitution within a one-mile radius of all casinos legally operating within the state. Prostitutes must meet strict historical accuracy guidelines which include wearing authentic dance-hall floozy garb and weighing in excess of 210 pounds. The state tourism board plans to promote the new program with the slogan “Colorado: The Sintennial State.” 

Pueblo pronunciation to appear on 2008 ballot
Colorado Citizens for Linguistic Consistency has successfully collected the necessary signatures to place a referendum on the 2008 state ballot that would once and for all determine which pronunciation must be used when referring to the city of Pueblo. The four choices are “pweb-lo”, “pyeb-lo”, “peb-lo” and "pyew-eb-lo."

Once in effect, violators could be punished by anyone who hears the infraction with a flick of the middle finger to the forehead of the offender. 

Bill sponsor admits new state song is all about the ganja
State senator Bob Hagedorn (D-Aurora) admitted this week that the newly-adopted second state song “Rocky Mountain High” really is just a John Denver song from the ‘70s about blowing a fatty with your friends around the campfire.

“Let me be ‘blunt’,” Hagedorn said. “My ‘buds’ and I in the house and senate chose to pass this ‘joint’ resolution to make it clear that Colorado is different. We don’t have some ‘tokin’ state song. We hold Colorado to a ‘higher’ standard. Doobie or not doobie – that is the question.”

As a fourth-grader in 1997, Kari Neuman tried to get Colorado to make "Rocky Mountain High" an official state song shortly after Denver was killed in a plane crash in California. Now a freshman at the University of Wyoming, Neuman said most people don't even know the words to Colorado's original state song, "Where the Columbines Grow."

“We were always too wasted when we tried to learn the words to that other song – what was its name?” Neuman said as she munched on Oreo™ cookies with state legislators at a celebration in the capitol building in Denver. 

New bill replaces Pledge with Bill of Rights
A new bill before the state house and senate would drop the requirement for public school teachers and students to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Instead, an equivalent amount of time will be allotted each week to review one of the Bill of Rights or other amendments to the U.S. Constitution. Students will be tested at the end of the school year on the Bill of Rights – particularly the ability to discern the difference between free speech and compelled speech.

Senate President Joan Fitz-Gerald said that a compromise bill would allow discussion of the pledge in the classroom, but it will include key historical facts including its creation by a company in the 1800s that wanted to sell more flags and the addition of the phrase “under God” during the 1950s at the height of the McCarthy era. 

USGS renames peak in Gore Range
Eagles Nest Peak in the Gore Range has been renamed Inconvenient Peak. USGS spokeswoman Tina Yothers said the mountain got its new name from the fact that the peak is very remote with steep, hard-to-climb slopes on all sides. “It also has something to do with that Al Gore movie thing,” Yothers said. 

Former CU football coach to head Duke lacrosse program
Former CU football coach Gary Barnett is headed to North Carolina to coach the Duke lacrosse team. Duke University President Richard Brodhead made the announcement on Friday saying that Barnett’s experience with collegiate sports, district attorneys and DNA testing of players will help to rebuild the university’s embattled lacrosse program.

Barnett had a record of 49 wins and 38 losses during seven seasons with the CU Buffaloes, although like others affiliated with CU, he never learned the proper plural for buffalo.^[1]

Colorado to lose 54^th 14er in a dozen years
Sunshine Peak in southwestern Colorado is expected to be declassified as a 14er by 2019 due to rising sea levels caused by global warming. Originally measured at 14,001 feet above sea level, the mountain has already lost more than nine inches relative to sea level since its height was officially determined in the early ‘60s.

Current projections by the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration indicate Colorado will lose a total of  eight 14ers to rising sea levels by the year 2054. Emotions were mixed at the Colorado Mountain Club from people who are excited to be able to complete the full list of 14ers with fewer climbs to people disappointed that they wasted their time hiking the lesser, soon-to-be-declassified peaks.

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