Colorado's State Transportation Department announced today that the American Bean Producers Association has purchased the naming rights to State Highway 12 for $280 million. Formally the scenic Highway of Legends, Colorado 12 will be henceforth known as the Highway of Legumes.

Colorado Governor Bill Owens joined ABPA Chairman Shane Millburn and STD Executive Director Rhea Gonor at Cuchara Pass on Highway 12 to announce the first in a series of revenue generating measures meant to counteract the "Bruce"-ing of Colorado's financial health.

"TABOR has drained the fuel tank for our state's financial engine," Owens said. "But the American Bean Producers have graciously stepped forward to provide new gas for the state's economy."

Vin Arial, STD spokesman, called a press conference earlier in the day to announce that new signs would be installed by the end of the day along the entire 68-mile stretch of road. The hastily-planned event was followed by a visit to a one-mile stretch of highway that is being used to test the durability of a new asphalt composite that incorporates fibers from recycled soybean shells.

"If approved," Arial said, "the new composite road surface will be more resistant to weathering and road construction will smell like you're eating edamame at a sushi bar."

Not to be outdone, the federal government is jumping on the naming rights band wagon. ABPA has also purchased the naming rights to the nearby Spanish Peaks for a mere $43 million.

The name change to Spanish Peas was a no-brainer," said Patricia Butler, Bush administration spokeswoman, adding "and if there's one thing the Bush administration has expertise with, it's no-brain situations."

Colorado's U.S. senators Wayne Allard and Ken Salazar initially balked at the low dollar figure to rename these peaks that have served as landmarks and sacred sites for many centuries. Using their combined clout, the senators negotiated with ABPA to subsidize all school lunches throughout the state for the next seven years. As a result, students will enjoy the benefits of a free and healthy menu of soy burgers, lima beans, wax beans and other legumes.

Governor Owens said the state is currently negotiating the naming rights to an undisclosed open space with the Glade Corporation in exchange for subsidizing the expected school budget shortfalls due to increased use of air fresheners. 

Other details of the state's agreement with ABPA include updating interpretive signs along the highway as well as an option to dredge Monument Lake along the highway into a bean-shaped reservoir with an accompanying name change.

Editor's note: If all this bean news sounds hard to swallow, you may want to re-read the publication date. 

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